10 Self Defence Gadgets: The Good, The Bad And The Downright Ridiculous

You know I often get amazed by the staggering amount of products available in the world. If a problem exists, no matter how small or specialized, you can pretty much guarantee that that someone has invented a product to try and alleviate the problem in some way.

So it’s no great surprise that there are a plethora of different self defence products on the market. I’m not really into carrying weapons of any kind around with me, so I don’t really care why people buy these kinds of products (and people do obviously). Why does someone buy anything? Because they think it’s going to help them in some way, make their life better, or easier or make them feel safer. Do these products do that? Who cares?

I’ve just decided to put together this list of self defence gadgets because I thought it would be fun and because most of these products are silly and they will make you laugh, and one or two you will probably think, Cool!

So here’s the list, in no particular order of lethalness, effectiveness or ridiculousness.

 

1. The Bullet Proof Briefcase

brief1

I’m sure this seemed like a good idea at the time. If you’re inadvertently caught up in a fire-fight on the way to the office, you may appreciate some cover in the form of a bullet proof shield disguised as your brief case. Having looked at the pictures of this thing being demonstrated however, I’m more inclined to think it isn’t that great of an idea. What’s more important however, is that the three people who actually bought one of these believe they are now safer going to work. And that’s all that matters.

bullet proof brief case

2. Tampon Taser

tampon1So picture this: you’re in a dark alley and a mugger jumps out at you. You manage to pull your taser out and the mugger goes, What the fuck, are you brandishing a tampon at me? And in that moment of distraction you shoot the bastard with an electrified dart and you run, leaving the mugger on the ground, out of it and with a tampon sticking out of his chest.

 

3. The Bottle Bezel

bezel1-217x300A plastic bottle cap with sticky-out bits on it. Personally I prefer to drink from my water bottles, not hit people in the face with them.

 

4. The Shotgun Flashlight

gunlight1

Why shoot your attacker with an electrified tampon when you can just as easily blow a four inch hole in their chest with this, the baddest of flashlights. It’s real and it actually works as a flashlight as well. Which means that every time you hold that thing up you are in effect pointing a loaded shotgun at yourself! That should make you feel safer alright!

 

5. The Pulse Wave Myotron

myotron1This little plastic jobbie purports to “neutralize brainwaves”, in particular those brain waves in the “hypothalamic area” that “trigger hostility”. Incredibly, this thing actually does what it says on the tin. Even more incredibly, this actually got made and distributed! Would you want something lying around your house that could neutralize your brain waves? I bloody wouldn’t!

 

6. Brass-Knuckle Umbrella

brass knuckle umbrellaLooks stylish. Also looks like it could do a lot of damage in the right hands. Perfect for Patrick Bateman types out on the prowl.

 

7. Bed Side Table Self Defence Kit

table self defenceYou can’t look at the promotional picture for this and not think of gladiators or Spartan warriors. I think this was made for people who fancy themselves as such. Good though if you find yourself in a heated argument with your other half and they start to throw things at you.

 

8. Brass Knuckles Handbag

08peacekeeper400blackmod1

Another one for the ladies (or men if you’re into that sort of thing). I’d personally avoid any woman who carried this thing around with them.

 

9. Commando Combs

comb_13These cleverly named grooming instruments are called Combandos. You can coolly comb your hair back before cutting your attackers throat. And they come in a lovely shade of yellow as well.

 

10. The Anti-Mugging Skirt

svskirt_wideweb__470x186,0Seriously, I couldn’t stop laughing when I saw this. It should come as no surprise that this is made in Japan. Words fail me. Just look at the picture and feel your mind boggle.

 

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About Neal Martin

2 Responses to “10 Self Defence Gadgets: The Good, The Bad And The Downright Ridiculous”

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  1. Robin Borchers says:

    I'd love the handbag… seriously! I had one in which I kept a heavy object in the bottom (explains the more buff arms on a skinny chick haha) came in "handy" once BIG upon a time! Do tell! But what happened to number 3?

  2. Kenneth Ross says:

    I'm trying to convert my iPhone in to a "star Trek" type teleportation device or better still a phaser gun…that would beat a brass knuckle handbag any day. lol :-)

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